im wallowing in self pity... F*CK!

actually i think fb is a place that stresses people.. crap

happy cny eve...
whilst it is a festive season here in Singapore, ppl are suffering elsewhere in Australia, Eygpt, zimbawe, china blah blah...
i wonder how we can actually celebrate without considering their plight; are we heartless creatures? are we bombarded with too much statistics such that we are apathetic/ immune/ indifference/ callous to the deaths and hunger of the unfortunate?
never eat too full, u will get complacent. i think we all have to remind ourselves how fortunate we are to be even able to breathe the fresh air and enjoy our reunion dinner. Sometimes, undergoing some difficult times is a far cry from the constant torture of hunger/ disenfranchised/ repression.....

to him: i just wanna say, i remember helaoshi told me before that everyone is born like a jigsaw puzzle, and there is only 1 other who can fit into your life, just like how jigsaw puzzles are complementary. i thought he was the one, but no.... i dont know if u're the one.... and i dont want to get into another period of misery. sorry...

man, i am really beginning to know what type of person i am. Despite much self denial throughout these years, i have to admit that i am someone who gets influenced easily by others, and I am a VERY VERY pessimistic person with little confidence in myself... well, i think this mentality is kiling me, but i really cant seem to change it. admittedly, i do relish in moments of pride when i do well in exams, but that's about it. beyond academics, and i seriously doubt my A level results .... I always think i am worthless... am i?? i always think...

now, i am in the midst of waiting for the results of 3 events,
1st: MFA rejection letter..
2nd: USP results
3rd: Peking university results..
and the wait is really killing me. never once had i felt so bad to escape from reality... nvr once did i really doubt my existence and worth... but now, all of these emotions are swamping my mind, my limbs, my head, my heart, my skin, my nose, my tears, my everything. but i cant tell anyone....

i am no weakling... what a lie...

These are the paragraphs in the news about Egypt and Cambodia that aroused my interest actually.

• Mubarak, who sacked his cabinet on Friday after a nationwide revolt, also said the new prime minister's priority was restricting unemployment and creating new jobs. Mubarak has struggled to placate a nation angry at his three decades of autocratic rule with token gestures such as sacking the government.

I think what is the most fundamental accomplishment for a government is acheive economical progress for the country and improvement of living standard for the people. However, this role is based on the assumption that the government is seen as the legitimate figure of authority, whom everyone is willing to be led by. In this case, I feel that perhaps the it is inappropriate to set the priority on augmenting the economy amid of a domestic uproar and chaos, targetted to overthrow the leaders. It is not being practical nor dealing with the root problem. Even if the crowd is repressed to gain back stability now, it will only be contrived peace which will one day spiral into more devastating disaster and upheaval. Although I believe that some form of control in a developing nation is necessary, I am against an autocratic rule which helps to sustain a corrupted and incompetent government. Merely sacking the government without resolving the problem -- the leader and the mentality/ system, is like removing only a colony of bacteria from an agar plate and leaving the rest to fester.

If we were to look at the situation in China, also a developing and "autocratic" country, it seems that China is performing better. But, I beg to differ. China is going to face a conundrum maybe even worse than Eygpt if she does not alleviate the situation of corruption, aggravating rich-poor gap and repression of political voice. It is just that things seem to be rosier in China because in the past 30 years, the rate of improvement of most Chineses' lives is so tremendous that the people see little reason to overthrow this government and return to their poor destitute lives. However, in tandem with advancement of living standards, is an awareness on political rights, human rights etc. With the help of the Internet, burgeoning educated netizen are also using the Net as a platform to express their disatisfaction for the government.

I did my IS on the corruption in China, and it is reported that China loses billions to corruption ever year. And, the social divisiveness is exacerbating with increasing hatred for the rich and advantaged. Social unity and fabric will eventually tearing apart when the contrast between the rich and poor is further amplified. Considering that the netizens in China is growing and has even exceeded the 4.5 billion mark, there is all reasons to believe that this awareness (as mentioned above) will promulgate to more and more citizens. Eventually, there would be a substantial number of people sufficient to create a chaos, far more devastating and polemic that the chaos in

• Washington, a key ally of Egypt, called on Mubarak to do more to defuse the crisis but stopped short of saying he should quit.But President Barack Obama also voiced support for "an orderly transition to a government that is responsive to the aspirations of the Egyptian people," in calls to regional leaders on Saturday, the White House said.

• US military aid to Egypt amounts to $1.3 billion a year, and the total American aid bill to the country averages close to $2 billion annually.

CAMBODIA
Prime Minister Hun Sen, 59, who has vowed to remain in power until he is 90, recently said on national radio that his aim was "not just to weaken the opposition, but to make it die".The comment was the latest in a string of outbursts against critics, prompting fears that freedoms are under threat as the government looks ahead to local polls next year and a general election in 2013."

The space for dissent has shrunk to the point where people are gasping for air," said Mathieu Pellerin of local rights group Licadho."Vast areas of political debate have been effectively declared off-limits. The most minor venture into these fenced-off topics can bring the authorities' wrath, whether you are a prominent politician or an anonymous village farmer."

Mark Turner, a Cambodia expert at the University of Canberra, said the legacy of the country's recent bloody history has allowed the ruling party to tighten its grip on power."One of the leading themes of post-Khmer Rouge Cambodia has been the search for stability," he said. "If incomes are rising, education improving, health facilities more accessible, then people may accept a certain curtailment of freedoms."

Cambodia remains haunted by its past, after decades of civil war and the brutal 1975-1979 Khmer Rouge regime that left up to two million dead in its bid to forge a communist utopia.Cambodian independent analyst Chea Vannath said it was important to recognise how far the nation had come considering its "terrible past".Hun Sen, who has ruled since 1985, has been credited with the country's long spell of peace and stability, while also improving infrastructure and opening up the country's markets.But he also has a history of riding roughshod over his rivals, and analysts say the CPP -- bolstered by a 2008 election landslide -- has exerted executive power without limits.It is now a crime to criticise judges or public officials under a new penal code that activists say could be used as a government tool to muzzle freedom of expression."Impunity is deepening for government power-holders and their cronies to abuse rights," said Human Rights Watch deputy Asia director Phil Robertson.

http://forum.brightsparks.com.sg/showthread.php?t=319&page=3

i'm officially back to my blogging!

i know this is abit late to write my 2011 resolutions, but as the old adge goes, "better late than never" ( an abiding belief of mine )

in the new year of 2011, after the tormenting 6 years of MUGGING, i decided that I need a change in lifestyle and mentality.

1. a revelation: the world is full of possibilities, i should not limit myself to the conventional path to go. here, i wish to share this quote that i remember from my trip to NY:
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Personally, i feel a bit sad for myself. I never dared to dream big nor imagine becoming someone different. Conformity is my comfort zone, lying low and camoflaging into the crowd were the safest thing to do. Alas, I am what I do--the ordinary plain jane.
So.... my first resolution: to believe in myself and the things i can do, do something BIG!

2. 2010 has been a very stressful and painful year, having been "forced" to decide on what I want to do and study, blah blah. For a happy-go-lucky me, I simply chucked these series of decision making moments to the very end.... and I regretted doing it. PROCRASTINATION is my nemesis! and what ensued from hasty decisions when nearing the deadline are stress, unhappiness and pain.
actually the main point is... i made the wrong decision, deceiving myself about my genuine character and dived at the wrong path. And i trace this mistake to my unwillingness to face up to reality, procrastinating and the propensity to listen to others.
my second resolution: FACE UP TO REALITY, dont be an "escaptist" / CARPE DIEM!

my thrid resolution: FIND MY OWN VOICE AND LISTEN TO MY HEART! dont be led by others nor be influenced by what others say.

3. I am here to seek my own forgiveness... sorry for giving up on myself when i slipped into moments of complacency and dejectedness, falling into an abyss of pessimism and hopelessness.
I can only say, I let my myself down, I let my family and the teachers who had pinned hopes on me down. I have erred...

my forth resolution: gain back the self-discipline i once possessed and find back the motivation to excel! not merely being competent or patronising, but acheive excellence!

4. on a linguistic note ( haha..) I need to learn my English and Mandarin well, not just my writing skills, but my communication skills. I really hate it to stutter and feel unconfident when I speak.
Besides the two 19-year-old language I have started learning, I want to pick up cantonese, probably via dramas and songs. I hope to converse with my parents in dialect!

my fifth resolution: master my languages!

5. my sixth resolution: be meticulous! develop the skills of a Singaporean diplomat! (because I think diplomats are very respectable for their obsession for details...sth I lack i reckon)

Labels: resolution, self clarity

I just returned from NY ...woo...
going for dance later so I decided to post this entry before I leave.

there are some days unwritten either because I was too tired or I was too sad over the loss of my wallet. Oh well, I will treat it as a lesson learnt.

here are my daily reflections:

Day 1:

One word to describe my first trip to new york: wow….

I don’t know if wow is a neutral word or not, but to me, it has both positive and negative meaning, so I shall change it to “wow”. America is really different from what I see on movies, series darma or TV. I guess sometimes, media really distort the real thing.

Anyway,I was rather excited to come NY. I thought on my way, will I return to Singapore wanting to study in NY? Will I want to wear the “I love NY”shirt? Hahas… but things didn’t not turn out the way it seems….

First, the freaking long hours on the plane. Argh butt hurts and stomache bloated. Please, can you imagine eating your meals and sitting down right after your meals? But I must say the food is quite nice except fo4r the omelette with spinach. To desmond, I felt rather guilty after eating but…too bad. And I watched 5 and a half movies, namely, Speed, Dodgeball, the proposal, crow zero, and sth I forgot.

Then we had our transit from Doha, and I lost a ruler, lip balm , moisturizer and liquid paper. Haiz I was rather angry and felt indignant, but when I looked at the bigger picture: terrorism, I realised I was in the wrong too. So I guess…. A lesson learnt.

Then, the awfully long journey to NY. Slept and ate and slept and died… and finally we landed. But wad really caught my eye was that there was actually some sort of service for those who wanted to sit on wheelchair?! Errm… and it was like a commonplace in the airport? I guess it’s their culture and service or perhaps they needed the wheelchair? Then, what really stunned me was the seriousness in the airport during the custom. Quiet. Interrogation-like-conversation. Order. And yuxuan got called away. We were very worried then but it turned out to be some sort of random checks.

It was then did I realise how pathetic human have become. With globalization, we have welcomed openbordered-ness, economical benefits like free trade, lower tariffs and an augment in the knowledge of the world beyond what we call home. Yet at the same time, we expose ourselves to more and more danger. Terrorism is one. Indeed, America is one of the big powers economically, politically and culturally, yet it faces one of the most threatening dangers that haunt her ceaselessly. It is really a pity how a warm country like America with nice and sincere people has to undertake such strong security and stringent checks that really puts people off. It is a total contrast from what the movie America depicts. The atmosphere at the customs was really tense until it kind of hurts… I don’t know how to describe. I’m just lamenting…

Next, it was a long ride to Boston…. Sitting again… and sleeping ><>

And I headed home.

Day 2:

Marvelous breakfast and we saw Singaporeans, or rather we heard them. The Singaporean accent— familiar. After which we started our tiring yet exciting yet challenging journey.

First stand Harvard! I must say, the feel there was indeed worthy of my trip. The place was beautiful. Buildings built in warm red brick with wonderful people everywhere and just the atmosphere, wow. It makes me wanna come to Harvard. Oh man, can I ever achieve this dream of mine?

Then we stop at some random places like a shipyard, then I thought “hahas, dad would love this place”. And we went quincy market for lunch and I saw a lot of nice clothes and nice food! Argh, there goes my diet but I don’t regret eating the claw chowda, dam dam nice and cheap lo 2USD! If I ever live in Boston, I would really get fat from all of the heavenly and sinful dishes.

After which, we went MIT for a guided tour. It was then did I realised how inferior I am yet how I need to realise my dream. There was this man who is holding a paper writing “free smile” and “free happiness”. Though at first I felt that it was so funny, I realised how meaningful it is, bring smiles and happiness to people around us. I really hope I can be that source of happiness for my friends and family. Indeed, MIT is made up of people of interesting people. Miss chitra said how MIT not only wants smart people, but people with character and special interest. I guess the man is one. Then I thought, I am just a normal person, how do I ever become a special person? But I felt stupid thinking this way… why must I force myself tobe a special person? I am special myself and I should really aim to be what I am. No point pretending to be someone and end up with nothing but a life of hypocrisy. BUT… just saying won’t bring us far, I really need a lot of hard work and determination to even have that prerequisite. And it means I need to start now. Looking back, I realised how I am deceiving myself. Thinking that I am good enough and complacent with what I have.. OMG, how disgusting… and the tour guide we saw was so humble when she said she did fairly for her SAT?! Then, inferiority yet determination came surging… hahas I need this motivation! I need to remember this feeling, so Here I am blogging about it.. hahas. PLEASE YIHUI, REMEMBER THIS FEELING!

In the morning, we had a girls talk. Hahas, I think it feels better saying out. I just want to say “thanks leon, but I guess you need someone else besides me. I wish you happiness=)”. For me, I just wanna love myself and indulge myself in my family love and friends love. Hehex, I love u and my singlehood! Hahas.

Day 3:

My FIRST day.

First day I ever ate mac in USA,
First day I ever saw snow!!
First day I ever sleep in a 8-beds room, bathe in a NY girls PINK hostel…

Hahas, today is tired but it is a new experience. I was even thinking, how lucky I am to actually have a toilet by my own and even have a toilet bowl with a bathetub. Lol.

Day 4
today was an extremely fruitful day.

In the morning, me shuyun liling and sherry went to get breakfast for everyone. Turkey cold cut egg cheese roll. YUMMY! But I couldn’t finish. Then, we started our walking tour. First, we drove through harlem. Through the drive, I reflected on how the blacks in America been through much and how they had tried to make best of what they already have. For instance hotel Theresa is an epitome of how the black were discriminated but found an alternative to lodgings through their own means.

Then Linda, our walking tour guide told us how Janet Jacob mentioned that the eyes of the healthy street should be diverse and vibrancy. (not sure if I heard wrongly) hence, NY gradually become a place not only for work or play only but a amalgamation of both. I guess

Security restrain: it has made me ponder upon the effects of terrorism along Wall Street and NY city. Shouldn’t NY be a place of freedom and creativity and welcome people with open arms? Why it is that now people are restricted to enter places like the Federal Reserve and NY stock exchange? Haiz, it is many opportunities lost to learn and experience for people like me. It would be really cool to be able to enter those places… I just Linda, like us is also lamenting over such regulations.

To know facts: why World trade centre’s progress has been delayed all these while:
1) it is a super complicated site/ project
2) it is politically complicated to resolve all of the conflicts
3) insurance issue
4) familt of victims sometimes have things to comment over the building of WTC
5) due to economy paradigm shift, people do not want to build excessive/ superfluous buildings that cannot be sold.
6) and…when remains are found while digging, everything comes to an halt

Also, I can really feel how cosmopolitan NY is. From the graffiti along the wall, drawings on the floor the plethora of people from all around the world and how people with weird appearance and weird doings are able to assimilate into the streets…I can truly feel how is NY different from others states like Boston and even Singapore. Then it sparks upon me that as much as Singapore government wants Singapore to become cosmopolitan and globalised, sometimes traditions and culture in Singapore has impeded this transformation. Though Singapore may be ranked the most globalised city and economically and financially one of the most accessible and convenient country, in terms of cultural integration and individuality and maturity of a society, Singapore definitely pales in comparison….

And I lost my retainer…Boo….

From now onwards, Shuyun shall become my official ROLE MODEL. I will learn from her discipline and reflective attitude as well as her perserverance! I shall, aim to do something that challenges these 3 aspects everyday!! Anyway, my role model Shuyun was teaching me new vocabs in the night, here are some:

Perfunctory = obligatory or unthinking

Evince = show demonstrate

Evocative place = a place that evokes the feelings or bring happy memories to people

Consummate = accomplished, skillful

Profligate= extravagant,

Assiduous= dilligent

Recondite/obscure/murky/covert= difficult to understand, esoteric, clandestine, secret

Overt= obvious

Transient/fleeting=

Tacit = unspoken, implicit

Bulwark= earthwork, fortification, rampant

piquant= strong

America should be the bulwark of inchoate democracy to other nations.

And thanks shuyun for the present, the 心意 我收到了.=)

REMEMBER THE FEELING YIHUI！

Day 5

Today we went Empire State building and I did the most unexpected thing of me, and that is to ask 2 strangers to take photos with me, one beautiful lady and one security guard Hahas. I guess wanted to challenge myself. But I’m glad I did it in the end.

Then we went MACY’s and tried loads of clothes. Oops! But I did not buy anything because I can’t bear to, but tomorrow I will (I wrote this on day 6 because I was too lazy today). It was great experience to shop but it sucks… when my legs ache like shit.

Anyway, I was remember that I dint comment on the Subway. Pictures speak better than words.

NBC was awesome.

Day 6

Today, I had an awesome day! It was really an eye opener. But as much as I like it, I felt like I was an embarrassment. First, we went to Coloumbia University and I heard that they have a reknown and established medical faculty with private employers. Oh man, I am so tempted to try getting into Coloumbia too, but I reckon that everything should be decided with my A levels because to study in Coloumbia, I need up to 25000 USD each term (7 month), excluding my living cost. I don’t want to burden my parents with my overly expensive tuition fees.

Then we went to Singapore office for the UN and discussed about pertinent issues regarding Singapore’s, US’s and China’s role in UN. There were a few issues we touched on and I hoped to share or sort out my thoughts better. Here are my notes

1) Aim of Security Council is to maintain international peace and promote cooperation in solving international economic, social and humanitarian problems. But the definition of threat has not reached a consensus because one’s threat to another maybe a norm to another. Especially to one of the 5 permanent member of the Security Council, the ability to veto is to be treasured yet it can be questionable on the use of it. Though it allows big powers to have to prevent them from entering war, it sometimes hinders the translation of resolution into actions. For instance, the

2) The effectiveness of resolutions: sometimes they are like recommendations for people to refer to and use as pressure points to pressurize countries to change. They do not have their immediate effects but in the long run, they will push people to improve and realise. Hence, it is morally useful and influential.

3) The guiding and principled value all boils down to the national interest of each country. This is actually true for a lot of things today. Also I feel that the awesome people we met today are trying their best to protect our interest

4) Singapore’s relevance to UN.
Yes, we are small. Very small. But for our size, we are probably one of the most influential countries. All these to some extent hinges on our ability to be the middle man and bridge, as well as our highly regarded reputation for our sensible, pragmatic and principled voice and say @ an honest broker. Often, we do things in a subtle manner without much fanfare, (things like peacekeeping, giving our say and advices, being a member in the Security Council and even our stand that is a compromisation of the dichotomy between East and West/ rich and poor/ hard-line and liberal etc…) and say few but heavy (weight) words. I learnt that we must always keep ourselves in an advantaged and friendly arbitration(adjudication, negotiation, ) role, such that when times come, we can be heard for our opinions such as the Pedra Branca issue.

5) However, we need to concede that we are a success story for only what we are worth. Acknowledging our strategic lack of depth and capabilities is imperative and incontrovertibly necessary for constant improvement. Jonathan made us realised how vulnerable and sometimes insignificant Singapore is in face of big powers and giants like US and China, even like our neighbors, Malaysia and Indonesia.

hard-line [an uncompromising or unyielding stand, esp. in politics]

Repressed = self-conscious, reserved

6) CSC!! China’s diplomatic, cautious and careful steps taken to build diplomatic ties with neighbors, especially with UN and US. After all, it does not wants to tread onto danger waters yet hopes to try its luck to challenge its prerogative.

7) Analogy: when 2 elephants make war, the grass is trampled; when 2 elephants make love, the grass is also trampled. When 2 big powers are involved in anything, everyone is affected. Hence, to ensure peace, it is best for big powers to do nothing?

8) Poverty! A GP topic
what is poverty? 40% below GDP average? Then does it mean that there will forever be poverty? 1 billion people were living in poverty 20 years ago and today the number remains. Does this means that the situation has not improved? Or is it that the percentage of poor people has decreased? Is eradication of poverty a “should” or a “can”?
To me, eradicating poverty is a moral imperative more than an obligation. Human nature is sometimes hideous, (人不为己，天诛地灭) and the campaign to eradicate poverty becomes a motherhood statement and adopts an overtly high handed one. Also, as much as poverty is undesirable, the presence of these groups of impoverished people actually propels developed nations’ economy and provides cheap labour, material and a source of “exploitation”. When one’s vested interest is at stake, developed nations would probably hope to first care for their economy and societal development over helping the downtrodden people improve their lives. Nonetheless, it is quite against the moral and conscious to watch people suffer when one has the abilities to remediate and alleviate their sufferings.
Hence, there is consensus on the global platform to eliminate poverty and hunger. NGOs and developed countries do their part by providing financial help and manpower, albeit a little short in impact. This could be due to firstly corruption. Secondly, the lack of proper management of money and implementation.

Oh dear I am getting tired from all these thought provoking

9) Lower common denominator.

And I spent a lot of money today but I bought Huangyao’s present and 2 necklace for me? Or for my friends? Hahas..

- I’m too lazy to continue. argh

Hahas, me and shuyun shared each other weakness and here are my weaknesses:
1) insensitive to people’s feelings and lack of social awareness=( which I agree.

2) forgetful of things

3) ask weird questions that people are uncomfortable to reply = is that nosey?

And many more.

Oh dear, looks like I have a lot to improve =)

Day 7:

One word: tiring. Another word: worth-it!

The museums are amazing seriously and they make me feel so culturally educated, as if I would become more artistic just looking at them. Hahas. A pity I did not take much photos.

Also, I have another resolution and that is to speak proper English from now on and I will start small. And that is to speak in proper sentences as well as pronounce the end of my words properly, especially the “t”, “d”, “l” +)

Alrights I am exciting for tomorrow and is tired for the day tata.

Day 8:

I am writing this post now because I though that the metting with Miss Prema should be shared. She inspired me to found out who I am and to reconsider the direction of my life. No words can describe that moment when I decided to do something to my life. hahas... =)